="twinsmum, post: 2088463, member: 39487"Wow reading this thread has been so interesting so far, kudos to you all for sharing and everything you have all not only gone through but gotten throughI have been thinking about whether to post all day but it is late, I cant sleep and I feel the need to vent a little bit.
EDIT: I ended up writing a lot so I have put it under spoiler tags because.....its very long and I dont want to clog up the page!
As you can probably tell from my username, I am lucky enough to be mum to my beautiful little twins. While it is the best thing to happen to me it hasnt always been that way, isn't that always the case. I was 15 when i got pregnant- yep, it was stupid, stupid, stupid, I know, trust me I absolutely know- and 16 when they were born. I am beyond thankful to have had wonderful support of my family, who have stood with me since day 1.For personal reasons I dont want to get into, I was not in a position to end the pregnancy, however this did not go down well with my then boyfriend and he made the decision to remove himself from our lives at the start of the 2nd trimester. to this day he has not met them nor has he expressed any interest in doing so. I have never quite considered myself to be single mum, as I spent the first few years at home, and only lived out of home alone (well with the kids!) for a few months before my sister moved in, and our brother also did recently.
Being pregnant in high school is one of those things that just seems to happen, but actually being that person is not fun. i never found school that fun, I was bullied which only got worse as I went to high school, and without going to details I'm not using that term lightly as it seems to happen nowadays. Rumours spreads so fast in that environment, and before I had basically told anyone outside my immediate family and closest friends it was common knowledge at school. I expected people would talk about it, whisper and point and all that stuff which wasn't new, but I honestly did think I'd just be able to finish the year and then I wouldn't have to think about school because I'd have much bigger things to focus on (I was due late April/early May and they were born February).I just wanted to get on with everything and get it over and done with, and I thought people would just let me do that- I was wrong. Most of it was online, alot on facebook, or phone, Im talking people I didn't even know would end up with my number. I never thought that really happened but it really does.
People said the most horrible things, I expected it towards myself, it took me a long time to come to terms with everything and you definitely cant expect people to be understanding of this stuff. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that if it was someone else I would be thinking, why did they get in that situation, what happened? Like we have had sex ed....surely it can't be that hard to remember that one thing. what are they gonna do? Will they handle it? Thats human nature. So a lot of it was saying you're stupid, dumb, what a slut, thrown away your life, bla blah that is typical high school stuff to me. Occasionally it would be why dont you just kill yourself. The first time you hear that its hard. I wasn't in a good place, and I'm not proud to admit it crossed my mind. Why not make it easier for everyone? I actually still remember clear as day thinking about it, right up to one of my appointments. And then on the ultrasound I saw them, heard their little hearts going and the technician confirmed they were boys. And I just cried so much, which they thought was from happiness, and part of it was don't get me wrong, but I was so angry and embarrassed at myself that id ever thought about it, taking anything away from these babies. So I learned to tune out most of the stuff people would say. But they would say absolutely horrific things about my babies that I still remember when I'm having one of those moments where you dont think you can do it and be a mum anymore. I dont know what the hell ever possesses someone to threaten or speak ill of a baby, or a baby that hasn't even been born yet.
As I've said, I have an amazing family. 100% i would never be here today without my parents and siblings, and I dont take anything they've done for me for granted. They are absolutely what got me through it all, and every day im trying to work out how I will ever repay them. Like i said they were very early,so they spent a fair bit of time in hospital before we came home. Even though they were so tiny and I loved them, I just had so much trouble connecting with them. Anyone whos had a baby in hospital, especially straight after birth, will know how hard it is. I just wanted to hold them but they were all tied up to the machines and tubes and especially after the first couple of days, it was hard to feel like a mother when I couldnt even do anything, just watch and hope like mad. No one likes feeling helpless and i was terrified. They tell you to stay positive but how can you? The guilt hit so hard. I hated myself. I had one job, like the show there's one born every minute and I managed to mess that up. I didn't feel like i deserved to have them, or more properly they deserved better. Of everything it had taken to get there, and I hated myself even more when I got what I thought would make it better.
It took weeks after they came home to admit I had post natal depression. As previous posters have pointed out, it is so hard to speak out about mental health without fear of retribution. I didn't want to give people anything else to use against me, I already felt like it was me and the twins vs the rest of the world, that outside the house no one was on our side. And i didnt want it to be real. I wanted to be right that i would wake up one morning and it would feel right, and everything would be shiny and lovely like it is on tv. We were so far from that. They weren't sleeping, feeding, growing like i was told they would or they should and I couldn't do anything. It was like living a nightmare that I thought would never end. I wanted to wean them and then disappear so they would have a chance at a proper life. Eventually, my brother got me to talk to him, and from there I was finally able to get help. It wasnt a clean road from there of course, but I'm proud to say i eventually beat the sucker. Since then its not always been easy but I'm happy I've never been back that low, and I hope if it ever happens again, Ill know what to do. I dont want to live in fear of my own life, and I sure as heck dont ever want to create that sort of environment for my boys to grow up in.
This is nearly the end, and I apologise for not being able to be concise. The funniest bit to me, which is actually not funny at all but i think I've reached that point, is its all happening again. 16 weeks pregnant to a guy who doesn't even know if he wants to be involved. Im not to force him. Id rather do it alone with the support i have already than try and force him into something he doesn't want to be in. If anyones going to be in my kids lives, they better want to and be able to treat them every bit as well as they deserve. Its a funny sort of logic I think but it works for me. But here's hoping that the past few years have given me enough to get through it in one piece, i certainly feel better this time around so I will just cross my fingers and cross my toes and try not to lose sight of what matters.
I'm sorry this went on for so long and if you read it kudos and thank you!!I actually found writing that quite therapeutic....OH dear its nearly 2:30 now I should try get some sleep before the monkeys wake up....thanks, for letting me get this all out. I dont really know how to give advice and i dont want to be preachy, but if you ever find yourself in this sort of position, whether youre depressed, anxious, or whatever, please dont suffer in silence. There's always someone, there's always something, hope, please, please, please know this. I know its hard when you're there. I may not know what youre going through but I know it can be hard.You're not alone x
To lighten up, another confession is.....I love this place!!! Never expected I would become so attached to it in whats been probably month.....if that? What can I say!! You are all awesome, I love coming and seeing what you're chatting about now and lurking in all your threads! Anyway I will go for real this time. I hope you all have really nice days! xxx
I want to give you a massive hug right now xo
