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The Bachelor Australia 2015

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: Found this on instagram.

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Isee said:
Jo Thornely recaps The Bachelor finale
28 MINUTES AGOSEPTEMBER 17, 2015
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Bachelor Sam Wood with his new girlfriend Snezana Markoski. Picture: Chris Pavlich

  • IT’S HERE.

THE GRAND FINALE.

Or as I’m calling it, seeing as it’s between Snezana and Lana and a banana and an iguana and a sultana and some ikebana: THE GRAND FINANA.

Now, I should warn you. Because of the lustrous shroud of secrecy that has surrounded this episode, Recap HQ has not been able to secure as many official images as usual. We’ve figured out a seamless work-around though, and I don’t think you’ll notice the difference.

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Oooh, the girls look nervous.Source:

First things first: the disappointment. We fell well short of our goal nipple total, even though we saw Sam go for a swim AND have a semi-naked shave. Final count: 52.

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I tell you, that Sam guy is RIPPED.Source:

While the episode starts in full flashback mode, from the moment everyone first met, through hours of face-sucking, and finally plonking ourselves here at finale, we realise that if the following words and phrases were edited out, the episode would be about eight minutes long:

BEAUTIFUL

DIFFICULT DECISION

NEVER EXPECTED THAT

I HAVE A DAUGHTER

INTELLIGENT AND VIVACIOUS

I CAN DEFINITELY SEE A FUTURE WITH HER

ADVENTURE

I WOULD LIKE TO TOAST YOUR MARSHMALLOWS.

Right! First up, the girls meet Sam’s family – Dad Andrew, Sister Hannah, and borderline mute brother Alex.

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Sadly, they can’t find any stick figure car stickers with a dad mullet.Source:

The two meetings are pretty similar – free-flowing conversation, hugs and kisses, Snezana making Pa Wood cry, Lana making Sister Wood cry, Sam grinning like a pleasant but simple-brained power-point.

The true stand-out, toppled only in gruff, crinkly coolness by Heather’s old mate Warwick of a few episodes ago, is Pa Wood. From “You know as much about Tasmania as I know about Macedonia”, to “My first thought when she walked around the corner was yeah, Sam’s got another cracker”, this is a man you want to be proud of you. A man you want to have a cold, frosty beer with on a hot summer afternoon. A man you want to secretly give a proper haircut in his sleep.

Look, these family visits aren’t giving us a single clue about who’s going to win. Let’s move onto the dates.

First up, Sam and Lana drape dead animals around their necks for a helicopter ride to a country pond.

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At least four polyesters lost their lives needlessly for this show.Source:

In a panic, the producers realise they haven’t referenced The Notebook for a couple of episodes and time is running out, so they bung the kids and some flowers in a rowboat and let them have at it. They drift, drink champagne, speak vaguely and noncommittally about the future, and basically just fill in time until they can park the boat and mack on.

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Artist’s impression of The NotebookSource:

Lana waits until later that evening to tell Sam that she’s crazy about him over toasted marshmallows and nine million bee-squirts worth of candles, and the Pash-O-Trons consummate their sort of I guess I could potentially fall in love with you with another half-hour worth of pashing. If you close your eyes, it sounds like two salmon fillets in a tumble-dryer. It’s beautiful.

When it’s Snezana’s turn, the couple drive to a tiny river beach for a picnic of chocolate-coated strawberries and describing each other.

“You make me feel stuff”, she says.

“You have a daughter”, he says.

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“Do you have a hairbrush?” she purrs.Source:

Wait a second. This doesn’t feel as passionate or as urgent as Sam’s date with Lana. Are we thinking that Sam will choose Lana, or are we thinking that the producers want us to think that we’re thinking that Sam will choose Lana when he’s thinking that he’ll choose Snezana?

Either way, they sit on some hay bales and kiss, and I’m pretty sure they can hear bells.

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The bells turn out to be smoke alarms, because this is a GIGANTIC fire hazard.Source:

They discuss the fact that Snezana has a daughter (spoiler alert: Snezana has a daughter), and she reminds him that “It would be hard with me”.

“It is a bit already” thinks Sam, shifting his sitting position on the hay bale.

Then she says it.

She says the thing.

She says “I want you to know that I have fallen in love with you”.

BOOM. THERE IT IS.

Sam smiles and says “It’s such a beautiful thing to hear you say”.

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OuchSource:Channel 10

The following day everyone gets ready for THE BIG DECISION, and things happen very, very slowly.

There’s slow shaving, slow jewellery selection, slow Lana putting all of her hair over one shoulder, a slow sunset, slow dramatic music, slow voice-overs repeating slow things we’ve heard before slowly, and a slow sweeping shot of the outdoor Rosatorium, a swimming pool lined with almost every candle from the sun’s personal collection.

Osher has a chat to Sam by the pool, using encouraging, serious words like ‘journey’ and also ‘journey’.

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The resemblance is uncannySource:

A slow car slowly slows up the driveway. Our minds race. Will he tell the loser first or the winner? Who’s in the car? What will he say? OH GOD, WHAT SIDE WILL THEIR HAIR BE ON?

It’s Lana. Miraculously not setting her skirt on fire, she traverses the fiery walkway towards Sam, where she holds his hands and gazes into his eyes. The atmosphere is electric. They need so few words. Sam smiles a deep, simple smile and his lips part gently, ready to speak.

“Nup”, he says.

Oh.

My.

God.

Lana flees the poolside rejection zone and asks not to be filmed while she turns her back. A special camera in the trees catches her face.

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All those hundreds of few days, and now this.Source:

But y’know, then she’s fine and she’s in a car putting her seatbelt on.

We all know what happens next, but it’s successfully drawn out over roughly three years.

“I’ve got so many feelings running through me at the moment”, says Sam nervously. Plus a bit of diarrhoea, I expect.

Snezana arrives, crunching over rose petals and Lana’s drying tears.

They hold their beautiful hands. They blah their beautiful blahs. One of them gives the other one some contractual obligation jewellery. They say “I love you”.

They kiss.

It is done.

Oh no wait, there’s a bit more talking.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: the future of love.

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I’M JUST KIDDING THERE’S TOTALLY A PROPER PICTURE FOR THATSource:

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Nawwwwwwww. I need a drink.Source:
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Hahaha that was a brilliant read... My favourite part "If you close your eyes, it sounds like two salmon fillets in a tumble-dryer. It’s beautiful"

Hahaha
 
On another note, my treadmill finally died. Since when did new decent treadmills get so freaking expensive???
 
delcan said:
I think it might have been Season 3 - it looks vaguely like it on google, but the articles aren't there because it was 2003
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I actually watched Season 3! It was 2003. I don't recall him telling the other girls they weren't the one, but do you mean he did it off-camera or it was edited out?
 
Insomniac said:
On another note, my treadmill finally died. Since when did new decent treadmills get so freaking expensive???
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I know!

I was thinking of buying one and then decided not to because I was always of the firm belief that gym and equipment is a waste of money when you can work out other ways. But with children it would be nice to Just have something to jump on, then the prices came up and I was like nope! I'll be waiting for the after Christmas sales (I hope )
 
Lyf said:
I actually watched Season 3! It was 2003. I don't recall him telling the other girls they weren't the one, but do you mean he did it off-camera or it was edited out?
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This is all memory, but I think he implied it. I have lots of vivid dreams so sometimes my memories are actually dreams, so bear with me. I am often shocked when people don't recall the conversations i have in my dreams
 
delcan said:
This is all memory, but I think he implied it. I have lots of vivid dreams so sometimes my memories are actually dreams, so bear with me. I am often shocked when people don't recall the conversations i have in my dreams
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Haha that is a real thing! And if you have a dream where the person is an arsehole they wonder why you death stare them the next day lol
 
delcan said:
This is all memory, but I think he implied it. I have lots of vivid dreams so sometimes my memories are actually dreams, so bear with me. I am often shocked when people don't recall the conversations i have in my dreams
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Whatever Delcan says from this moment should come with a warning. There would have been many drinks had tonight, many! I mean the whole show was designed on the drinking game preplanned prior to viewing
 
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