The Day the Earth Stood Still.
It was as lame as expected, but nothing could have prepared me for the intensely irritating bratty stepchild of the female protagonist, played by the beautiful Jennifer Connelly.
The pleasure of the original film is seeing headstrong, paranoid humans, dumbfounded by the superior technology and intellect of Klaatu. In the remake, the humans, presumably wiser thanks to films like Close Encounters and E.T, are even more paranoid, yet ludicrously sure of their own importance. Even I could have told the army commander that sending strike jets against the giant robot would be futile. But I was prepared to run with the black comedy angle, providing the robot did some appropriately retributive arse kicking.
I soon realised there was no comedy intended. The film was actually taking itself seriously with its Inconvenient Truth message. The robot fizzles, the ambivalent Klaatu, played by a Spock channeling Keanu Reeves, dithers, product placements come and go, and the Earth is saved (as if it wouldn't be) much to my disappointment. These are bad enough, but there is worse.
The subplot concerning the aforementioned bratty child... My only consolation was not having a real life bratty child sitting behind me, kicking my chair. I cringed in agony every time the little shit, played by Jaden Smith, came on screen. I fantasised about taking a brick to his pretty little face, smashing it open, prising his jaws apart, pulling his tongue out, and feeding it into a blender. Even though I didn't know who the kid was, it was no real surprise to find out later he was the son of Will Smith. I can only hope he has a seizure or something before he grows up to become a franchise, just like dad.
The Day the Earth Stood Still wasn't a total waste of money though. I had been thinking of seeing Seven Pounds - only for the lovely Rosaria Dawson of course. But one Smith film for 09 is one too many for me.