Are you lot going to stop bickering and get on with trying to live with the shit we're having to deal with, whether it be discussing what we're experiencing or the odd light joke or whatever to try and cheer us all up?
You want cheering up? This is the best I can do.
Dear Diary 2020 Edition,
In
January,
Australia caught on fire. I don’t even know if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran
. We might actually still be almost at war with them
. I don’t know, because
Jen Aniston and
Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards
show and everyone flipped the crap out
, but then there was this thing happening in
China, then
Prince Harry and Megan
peaced out of the Royal family, and there was the whole impeachment trial
, and then corona virus
showed up in the US
“officially,” but then
Kobe died
and UK
peaced out of the European Union.
In February,
Iowa pooped
itself with the caucus results and the president was acquitted and the
Speaker of the House took ten. Whole. years. to rip up a speech , but then The
WHO decided to give this virus a name COVID-19, which confused
some really important people
in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty
, and
Americans started asking if Corona beer
was safe to drink
, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor
who just knew the
flu like killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18.
In March, stuff hit the fan
. Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust
, but then Italy
shut its whole country down
, and then COVID Not 1 through 18 officially become what everyone already realized, a
pandemic and then a nationwide state of emergency
was declared in US
, but it didn’t really change anything, so everyone was confused or thought it was still just a flu
, but then COVID Not 18 was like ya’ll not taking me seriously?
I’m gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves and totally infected Tom Hanks
, get y’all to close all of the schools so y’all can
appreciate teachers
for once (because you can’t teach them anything other than how to use a touch screen
) close down all of salons so you can’t get your
hair or your nails done
, everyone had to work from home and attend Zoom meetings in their underwear. The
DOW took a crap
on itself, and most of us still don’t understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing
(I still don’t), We were then all introduced to
Tiger King and the ONE thing we can all agree on this year ,
Carol totally killed her husband
..... whacked him! And then Netflix was like you’re welcome, and we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross and were all searching for lotion now.
In 🌧 April, Bernie finally busted
himself out of the presidential race
, but then NYC
became the set of The Walking Dead
and we learned that no one has face masks
, ventilators, or toilet paper, or THE FREAKING SWIFFER WET JET LIQUID , and by now our
outgrowth is showing, so there’s a shortage on
box hair dye and all of our hair dressers are like ,
NO DONT DO IT!!! But, then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life … or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released
videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, it’s only April….
In
May, the biblical end times kicked off , historical locust swarms, we learned of murder hornets
and realized that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games
however people forgot to let us know. people legit started to protest lockdown measures with
AR-15s,
️sports events were cancelled everywhere. But then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were 🗣protests in every city
,which was confusing to some of us because people were definitely gathering in
crowds of more than
10 and for sure closer than 6 foot away
from each other . Those people must have forgotten about the
pandemic called COVID Not One Through 18. Media
🗞 struggled with how to
focus on two important things at once, people in general struggle to focus on more than one important thing. A dead whale
was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest
after monkeys
stole COVID 1 Through 19 from a lab
and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one is keeping track of time now) that a giant asteroid
narrowly missed the Earth
.
In
June, common sense just got thrown
straight out the window and somehow
wearing masks became a 🏛political thing, but then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, then
scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like
DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT, but then everyone took a pause to realize that people actually believed Gone With The Wind
was like non-fiction, but then it was also announced that there is a strange 🛰radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe
that repeats itself every so many days 🗓 , and everyone was like
DON’T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH IT
but then America reopened
from the shut down that actually wasn’t even a shut down, and so far, things have gone spectacularly .... not that great
. All of the Karen’s came out at once, and people started tearing down
statues. Everyone is on Facebook arguing
about masks
, but then Florida 🏖 was like hold my beer
and let me show you how we’re number one
in all things, including new Not Corona Beer Coronavirus. Then we learned there was a massive dust cloud
coming straight at us
from the Sahara Desert
, which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the
ghost mummy thing is most likely in that dust cloud. We then
learned of meth-gators
, and I'm like that is so not on my flipping 2020 Bingo card
can we use it as the free space??
Then we learned that the Congo's worst ever Ebola
outbreak is over
, and we were all like, there was an Ebola outbreak that was the worse ever?
....... and don’t forget we just discovered FLYING SNAKES!
, seriously! FLYING SNAKES!!!!
So here comes July….Ghislaine Maxwell
gets arrested, people
all over America
continue protests on race issues and violence there were 🗣protests in every city
, Gun violence and shootings
occuring Across the Country
but Chicago
takes the
on gun violence,
Houston’s Chinese Consulate 🏛 was closed, we ended the month with random seeds
being shipped to the USA
from China
At the end of July we were over it , just tell us what’s next ....
Aliens?
Zeus?
Asteroids? Artificial Intelligence becomes self aware? Can it just be something cool
or fun for once? Maybe even a good laugh , like hahaha
April Fools! We all actually wouldn’t mind that joke at this point.
But August is like here I'll show you hold my beer
, Spain’s Former King
leaves, 2 giant
explosion in Beirut
killing at least 220
people and injuring 7000 more, A
grenade in North Cameroon
killed 15
people, A Derecho that traveled more than 700 miles (Inland Hurricane) 🌬
across 6 midwest States (NE, IA, IL, IN, WI, MI) killed one
in Eastern Iowa and left more than 800,000
without
power and shutting down gas stations
for miles. And folks we are only 10 days 🗓 in!
Maybe the rest of Aug, Sept, Oct, Nov, and Dec can let us have a break 🏖
!
Also, why didn't I know about the whale
in the Amazon? Or a few other things because I just can’t keep up anymore!
But I’m sharing it because as long as we make it through 2020, I really want this to pop back up in the memories a few years from now!
Sorry it's more than 25 words and requires more concentration span than 15 seconds.
