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Online Dating


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Joshua Pompey, Contributor
Online Dating And Relationship Expert

What 10 Years of Being An Online Dating Coach Taught Me About Men (And 10 Ways Can Benefit!)
10/26/2017 10:43 am ET

For the past decade I have served as an online dating coach for men and women of all ages and backgrounds. And while I do currently work one on one with hundreds of women each year, my first 4 years were spent working exclusively with men.

The vast amount of time I have spent coaching men has provided me with a unique insight into the male online dater that few others walking this earth have. And now I’d like to help you benefit from all my years of experience.

If you don’t fully understanding how the men you are targeting online think, your odds of finding a quality relationship will be severely limited. So let’s get started on 10 of the most important facts I’ve learned coaching men.

1. The photos are far and away the most important determinant of your success

This is a time tested fact that never changes. It doesn’t matter if you wrote the most incredible online dating profile on the planet, if your photo gallery is not put together properly, men won’t respond. Guys are extremely visual, plain and simple. This fact cannot be ignored.

2. Quality men won’t respond to poorly written profiles

Even though the photo gallery reigns supreme, quality men seeking long term relationships still need to be impressed by what you write in your profile. Boring and uninspired profiles will be ignored, along with profiles that unintentionally send the wrong signals about you.

This is because the best guys out there have a lot of options and limited time. If they are choosing between several women, and they are physically attracted to all of them, the ones with the best written profiles will get priority.

The written portion of your profile and the visual portion must work together as a team in order to achieve the best results and generate maximum interest. If either one is lagging, the whole endeavor will suffer.

3. Most of the best guys out there don’t even know you exist

Here’s the thing about the highest quality men. Just like all you quality women out there, they live very busy and active lives, leaving very little time to perform searches of their own.

So while you may be waiting for a great guy to email you and sweep you off your feet, he often has the same exact mindset, hoping that a great women will finally message him so that he could stop online dating once and live happily ever after once and for all.

As an online dating coach I encourage all my students to never be afraid to reach out first with a cute and fun email. It may save you months, or even years of being on a dating site. Trust me on this one!

4. Almost all men wish high quality women would initiate with them more

Continuing off of the previous tip, you’d be surprised at how many men just completely throw in the towel when it comes to starting conversations with women online. Even the best ones.

This is because so many men spend hours messaging women every week when they first sign up for online dating, only to find themselves with low response rates and little return on their investment. Eventually, they just stop trying.

Sending emails is time consuming, exhausting, and frustrating for a large percentage of the male population, so don’t ever be afraid to reach out first. I can assure you, they will be happy you did when an incredible woman shows up in their inbox.

5. Negative energy will keep you in the delete pile

This fact cannot be stressed enough. Negative energy, such as creating lists of what you don’t want in a man, or stating something as simple as, “I’m not really into online dating, but thought I’d give this a try,” will be more than enough to turn a great guy away.

I stress this all the time, positive energy attracts positive attention. Repeat after me: Positive energy attracts positive attention! Negative energy will only cause a guy to assume that you are a negative person or have baggage, which aren’t exactly the best ways to make friends!

6. Most men want a serious relationship, but would love to have a fling along the way

When men sign up for my profile writing service, they are asked a multitude of questions, including, “Are you looking for a fling, a busier dating life, a relationship, or marriage?”

Of the thousands of forms that have been returned over the years, nearly every man responds to this question with something along the lines of, “I am looking for a serious relationship, but am open to a fling or 2 along the way.”

The lesson here is that even the most respectable men out there are usually willing to diverge from their end game of finding a relationship if their attraction to another woman is strong enough.

7. The contents of your profile will determine how you are approached

When a man views your profile, he is instantly going to put you in one of three categories. Not interested, fling, or relationship potential. It’s up to you to make sure you wind up in the right category.

If you want to avoid being put into the not interested or fling category, avoid too much sexuality, and focus on creating the persona of a woman who is intelligent, diverse, positive-minded, open, and fun to be around. This holds true for both the pictures you post and the words you write.

8. Quality men love accomplished, successful, and well-rounded women

As an online dating coach, I often hear the question, “Are men turned off by successful career women?” Well yes, if you are dealing with an insecure man who is mentally trapped in a prior decade.

But for the accomplished and worthwhile guys out there, this is an incredibly attractive quality. Great guys love women that achieve goals and have something to contribute to this world. The only exception to this is if you are a workaholic or place your career above finding relationships. Like most things in life, balance is key.

9. Many men have unrealistic expectations of age

This is one of the sadder truths about online dating, but many men are a bit unrealistic with their age preferences.

The good news is, you can use this information as a guideline as to whether or not a man is worth pursuing. If you see a 55 year old man on Match.Com who is looking for a woman ages 47 to 55, this reveals that he is serious about finding a relationship. On the other hand, if a 55 year old starts his age preference at 33 and older, you will probably want to steer clear.

10. Profiles that are fun, playful, and energetic receive the most messages

This fact probably doesn’t require much explanation and speaks for itself, but the more you represent yourself in a manner that avoids cliches and allows your personality to pop off the page with fun energy, the more men are going to be jumping at the chance to date you. The best online dating profiles make this a priority.


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i think there are some people that are so charming and charismatic that one can make the mistake that they like them more than they actually do. lucky i'm not like that. if i like or hate someone then they know about it. can't stand that fake charm.


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Believing in the Perfect Love Is the Greatest Relationship Killer

Theperfect couples know everything about each other totally. They can read each other's personalities. They generally concur with each other. They need the very same things in life. They need to do a similar thing, constantly. Also, they never battle. This is the ideal couple who is constantly upbeat.
In any case, that is only a dream.
Anticipating that this should be your relationship is impossible. Regardless of the possibility that you have held this thought in your brain for quite a long time, perhaps you've effectively presumed that something isn't right with this picture. Life is loaded with changes and difficulties. Some way or another, many couples – youthful and old – fall into the trap that there's an "immaculate relationship" out there.
The Downside of a Relationship Is Always Hidden
For what reason does everybody trust this? Individuals tend to set farfetched desires for what their accomplices ought to resemble. These enchanted thoughts begin when they are little children.

In tall tales and vivified Disney films, the sovereign spares the princess. They are perfect partners, who know each other promptly and altogether. Their romantic tales are flawlessly admired. No battles and no difficulties emerge en route. Rom-coms are a similar way. The couple dependably gets together at the pinnacle of bliss, and after that they live respectively joyfully a great many. Move credits. You don't get the opportunity to see the outcome: when the couple still adores each other, however they need to manage differences and survive enormous difficulties.
Parents also set perceptions of what makes a good partner. We have strongly ingrained cultural expectations of what a “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” “husband,” or “wife” should be like. That’s hard to shake! For example, your mother may have told you that “boys will be boys” – husbands tend to be cold and distant and therefore you should expect and accept that in your relationships. While that might save you trouble at the beginning, down the road, this complacent attitude can only build resentment and unhappiness.

People also compare their relationships to those of others all the time. That’s easier than ever to do with Facebook and Instagram. Your friends probably talk a lot about the “perfect” things that their partners do for them. People want to share the good in their lives, not the bad. But relationships on social media are filtered. All you see are the special date nights, the engagements, and the vacation photos. Nobody posts photos of their fights and loneliness. It’s important to remember that everyone has different relationship experiences. Comparison on this front is simply meaningless.
People Make Unrealistic Expectations to Create the Perfect Love
As a result of all these learned expectations, people want to mold their partners into their ideal version. But based on unrealistic expectations, they will make demands that just don’t work. And then, when the partner can’t meet their expectations, they demand more and more, thinking that it’s supposed to be “love” that makes their dreams come true.
One common mistake that women and men make is that their partners can “read their minds” and meet their needs without saying anything. But this is not just uncommon, it’s impossible. Without realizing that this is an unrealistic expectation, they will constantly feel disappointed by their partners and conclude that they should keep seeking for the one that can best fit in a relationship.
It’s easy to think that “love” will solve all the problems. People attribute disappointment to “lack of love” or “we’re not really meant to be together.” These couples who think this way will then break up and move on to another relationship. And they’ll take the same behaviors with them.

They hope to find someone who can fit their mold. But what they don’t realize is that their expectations are just unrealistic. They will end up getting stuck in the same loop of relationships.
Make Your Relationship Down to Earth
A down-to-earth relationship doesn’t mean it’s not special. Everyone’s love story is unique because of both the upside and downside the couple experiences together. A realistic relationship can be healthy even though it’s not perfect. Try the following steps to make your love life happier.
1. List out all of your expectations.
Write down each of your expectations, starting each sentence with “I expect him/her to…” You don’t need to justify any of your expectations. The point here is to be honest with yourself.
Examples: “I expect him to know that I’m sad even when I don’t tell him how I feel.” Or “I expect her to adjust to my schedule changes without ever getting upset.” Anything that’s honest and true should go on this list.
2. Review your list.
Now is the time to bring judgment back into the equation. Read through your list and cross out anything that you haven’t fulfilled yourself. For example, ask yourself: Is it actually realistic to ask your partner to hang out with you for hours every day, when he/she has a demanding job? Do you always hang out with him/her when you’re busy with work or school?
3. Switch the position with your partner and look at the list again.
Go through the list another time. Now, instead of asking if you can fulfill the expectations, think more carefully about whether he/shecan. Just because you can live up to some expectations doesn’t mean your partner can, too. Maybe you’re an obsessive cleaner, but your partner only cleans once a week or so. Is it realistic to ask him/her to clean every day, or as often as you do?

This will pare down your list even more, leaving only the truly reasonable expectations behind.
4. Spell out your expectations to your partner.
The best you can do is to explicitly state your expectations to your partner. Talk about challenges in meeting each other’s expectations. Then compromise and refine those expectations so that both of you can be happy.
Remember that fantasy of the perfect couple? It was never real and never will be. A realistic relationship is full of challenges and it takes compromises. Stop chasing for the perfect relationship. Unrealistic expectations on your partner sabotage not only your partner, but yourself and your relationship.