At the DVD hire place, I stand looking at a wall covered in shit. There isn't a single movie that calls to me. I was hoping to find The Clone Wars, but it isn't available yet. Now I'm here, I might as well see something. I choose two, but need another to take advantage of a deal. That is how I come to watch I Am Legend.
Within a minute I know I'm dealing with extreme excrement. What kind of moron would hunt CGI deer in a sports car? The bean blower has a brain snap and gets out on foot, but then an incredibly lame CGI lioness jumps out, followed by a CGI lion. The CGI lion stands around looking like Mufasa, instead of greedily claiming the carcass as I know he should. I reach for the remote to press stop, but something stops me. I need to know how far down the spiral human creativity can be sucked.
The next scene hurts me. Seeing the stale prince in domestic routine is something I should have anticipated though. I deeply fear he'll start rapping at any minute.
Surely he hasn't exhausted New York's total supply of canned dog food already? Poor dog has to eat vegetables again.
Then a product placement moment of his fancy watch, telling him what he could deduce simply by looking out the window - night is coming. Time to barricade the apartment. Nice and safe, despite howling vampires outside, but where is the twat? Oh shit: he's curled up in the bath with his dog! I press stop. That is far enough down the spiral - I can go no further.
Next I watch Blood Diamond. Good performances, but it's just okay. I feel kind of proud for making it to the credits.
Still got Elizabeth - The Golden Age to go. My expectations are zero.
finish!
