Blog from Sandra
http://anafternoonofpossibilities.com/
Straight from my big fat heart
Posted on
November 5, 2014
If someone was to ask me a few years ago what my greatest fear was, it would have been this: public scrutiny. The position whereby many people can (and will) judge my appearance and personality.
Once upon a time, the worst thing you could have called me was fat. Not nasty or evil or vindictive, just straight up fat. I feared this word. It consumed my thoughts day in and day out. To me, being fat meant being a failure.
Logically, I realised that the amount of adipose cells on my body did not directly correlate with my worth as a person, but logic did not help me in my darkest moments. All I knew is that fat equalled failure, and I was the poster child for a life not worth living.
I have spent many years struggling with an Eating Disorder. Birthday parties were celebrated in toilets crying because I was worried about my appearance. I became skilled at lying about everything and anything: where I was, what I was doing, what I was eating, whether I was actually eating, why I was sick etc etc. I pushed so many people away to the point that I wonder how I even still have friends from my past. I hated who I was and I look back now and still feel ashamed of my actions.
This is not something that dissapears over night. I still have bad days where my head isn’t always kind to me. But luckily, they are few and far between.
Today is a good day. Because I get to share this with you. This was one of the most important reasons why I entered the Big Brother house. I wanted to be transparent. I wanted to be vulnerable. I wanted to show Australia that I am a real girl that sometimes has way too many feelings and has the same struggles every day that most girls out there also deal with. I wanted to put on a bikini (even if it was unflattering, as one lovely social media user told me) and rock the shit out of it! I may not be a size 8 but there’s no reason why I should hide my body. I’ve spent way too long hating it for no reason at all. It helped me dance, run, cry, hug, jump, swim and laugh my way through the journey that was Big Brother and I am blessed by this.
Most importantly, I wanted young girls out there to look at me and see that there are much bigger things in life than the size of your thighs or ass.
The treasured memories I will take from the house don’t involve what the people in there looked like. Instead they involve kind words, shared jokes, unbreakable bonds and the love of 16 strangers thrown together for a once in a lifetime experience.
So my advice to the Sandra from ten years ago would be this: Instead of being consumed by your appearance, become consumed by being the best version of you. Being vulnerable isn’t a weakness. Who knows? By being transparent with your fears, you may just make someone feel a little better about theirs.
Big Love xxx