Jo Thornely recaps episode 8 of The Bachelor
EPISODE 8 of The Bachelor means it’s time for three things: go-cart crashing, pizza pashing, and Nina bashing. Will we ever find out if Emily has any opinions about Nina? Time will tell.
While we wait, I don’t see any reason why Sam can’t wonder which women he wants while wandering through an unrelated horse stud.
Oh, horsie. Whoever shall I pick? Source: Channel 10
The only way we can fill time between now and the inevitable drinks is to have a date. Happily Osher walks into the Womansion in a relaxed bleached-onyx shirt, clutching an envelope.
It’s a go-karting group date, but it looks like the opening credits from Law & Order: Jumpsuit Investigation Unit.
Ba-bummmm Source: Supplied
It's the best news ever for self-confessed revhead Nina, who almost bursts with delighted glee.
Pumped. Source: Channel 10
Understandably, the sight of someone enjoying something irritates Emily to no end, causing her to call Nina ‘fake’.
Look, let’s just save time and ring a bell whenever Emily voices an opinion about Nina.
“She thinks she’s gonna be last man standing. I mean it’s great to be that confident, I guess”. DING!
“I don’t know much about Nina. I know that she isn’t someone that I would be friends with”. DING!
“I just don’t think that he would be really attracted to her. She’s a bit ... crass”. DING!
Grumped. Source: Channel 10 This is really starting to take its toll. Source: Supplied
With some private Sam-time as the dangled carrot, the competition is fierce, especially between Tokyo Drift Nina, Too Fast Too Emily and Mad Bec: Fury Road, who bounce off the barriers like a drunk navigating a hallway in the dark.
“As long as I’ve got the lead and I’m beating Nina” squints Emily. “That’s all that matters to me” (DING!).
It’s pretty much all that matters to anyone, as everyone on the track, in the production crew, and watching at home forgets that Sam is even there.
Guys! Guys? Helllooooooo? LOOK AT MY HORSE Source: Channel 10
We even pay more attention to Rachel driving her Daihatsu WhoAreYouAgain, as she dawdles endearingly around the track like Cadet Hooks in Police Academy, being lapped by two-stroke lawnmowers and dead snails.
Eventually Nina wins, beaten only by Emily, who actually wins. Nina is mistaken. It’s all very confusing.
What’s got two index fingers and feels like an idiot? Source: Channel 10
Emily spends her private-time prize making sure Sam is across her latest obsession: sticking the boot into Nina.
Unable to hear her over the sound of ringing bells, he guesses that Emily doesn’t like Nina much.
“There’s other people that I “connect” with better”, air-quotes Emily.
“Ding” Source: Channel 10
Relief from the hate-fest comes in the form of a single date-fest, with an envelope which must SURELY contain good news for so-far dateless Rachel.
“Snezana!” reads Nina from the card, irritating both Rachel AND Emily.
“Are you sure?” squeaks the self-effacing Snezana. No, babe. It was another name that just SOUNDS like yours. Yeah, she’s sure.
Sam picks Snez up in a speedboat and jeans so tight you can almost make out his Don Johnson.
Hello and welcome to Mi-SAM-i Vice Source: Channel 10
Sam explains that “La Dolce Vita” means “Italian stereotype”, and not “food and ice cream” as Snezana hopes.
The two are all over each other, so already we can see that the frontrunner for Sam’s affections is boat skipper Manny, who rasps “Let’s drive it like we stole it” before gunning the Evinrude and launching across the harbour.
The couple disembarks at what Sam calls “Little Italy”, and I call “Leichhardt Coles”, where they pick ingredients to make their own pizzas. It is the cutest. It is cutissimo.
Mediterranean cliches, aisle nine. Source: Channel 10
“It’s almost like he gets a feel for who I am, and what I’m about”, sighs Snezana.
She is all about the eggplant emoji. Source: Channel 10
He showers her in flours and admires her taste for meat. “If you’d said vegetarian, this might’ve been our last date”, he warns, stabbing a passing caribou and feasting on its entrails to prove a point.
Dessert follows, and Sam appeals to Snezana’s love of Star Wars with a gelato Death Star, which in order to avoid any LucasFilm lawsuits has been
crafted to resemble a nuclear accident at the Pokemon factory. ROFTLMAO
Use the fork, Luke. Source: Channel 10
“It was basically a pink Death Star” Snezana coos, hopefully talking about the dessert. The date carries on with an understated Jedi theme.
Here Snez feeds rebels into the Sarlacc’s gaping maw. Source: Channel 10
And here Luke Skywalker kisses his sister. Source: Channel 10