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Yes sorry @Sweetgeek i didn't mean to gloss past your post. I recall you saying previously that you didn't have a reception but I didn't realise why - what an emotional time for everyone involved. It's so hard to know what's right or wrong in any situation but it sounds like you both did what was right for you. I like the idea of an anniversary party of similar though, but that's only if you feel there might be something missing. It kind if highlights a bit that it's just one day out of your life and everything that follows is much more important since you obviously have a happy marriage and stable life irrespective to a reception.
 
jessy_girl said:
I agree with all of this. if parents want to and are willing to pay for weddings then that's fine, it shouldn't always be assumed though nor should this become an excessive thing. Planning a wedding is stressful, it's impossible to please everyone and somehow the bride and groom often end up overlooking their own wants and needs which is ridiculous really. I would so not feel ok about my parents dropping a crapload of cash on a party even if they were ok with it. But a big weddings the stuff of nightmares for me.

I can't believe that Hunter Valley thing! Is that where the couple lived at least? Non-local weddings can really start adding up for guests, I think it's kind of reasonable in those cases to be incentivised by a meal or bar tab or similar.

I also totally hate being a plus one to random weddings, people seem to love that but it's not for me. I went to a wedding OCD and my partner was in the wedding party and I was seated at a table with total strangers, I barely even knew the bride and groom. It was nice but uhh yeah so awkward and boring considering I am pretty antisocial.

Oh and nah that's cool, I didn't think you were aiming that at me, you just made me wonder that about myself.
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I think everyone had to travel to the Hunter Valley ... and they were having honeymoon there ... so it worked for THEM and too bad about everyone else ... all I know is I found it weird, was critical but my son was absolutely fine with it ... go figure!

last year a relative had her wedding coming up and asked me to do a reading .. I was honoured to be asked ... just 2 weeks prior to the wedding my dad died ... and obviously I was a bit of a mess emotionally ... I travelled across to NZ for Dad's funeral ... then stayed with mum for a week before coming home for a few days back at work then off to the wedding about 4 hours away in country area ... before leaving NZ I had spoken with bride's mother and said "I don't think I'll be able to do it - I WANT to do it ... but right now I don't believe I CAN" and she said she understood and they'd ask another close relative to do it ... anyway wedding day arrives, we arrive in church. I look at order of service and my name is there to do the reading ... I go to mother of the bride and quietly ask "is Sally going to do the reading today?" and got snapped at - No you are - the order of service was already printed so you have to do it. I think I just blinked a couple of times, turned around and walked back to my seat. I was sooooooooooooo hurt by that. I did the reading ... broke into tears in the middle of it ... people ohhhhed and ahhhhhed because of course the focus being on the wedding they thought I was getting emotional about the lovely couple whereas I was just overwhelmed with grief for my Dad. I got no apology for the snapping ... no apology for the lack of consideration ... and my father's death seemed to be an absolute non-issue to everyone which hurt me even more. good grief ... even writing about it now I'm tearing up. It was just the whole stress of the day that contributed to mother of the bride being so thoughtless towards me ... but even having another male relative call me when Dad died and say well we won't mention it when I see you at the wedding because we don't want to spoil the day. Ummm ... WHAT? This is my 'family' here in the land of OZ ... my own family in NZ would never ever dream of being this way .. but family here seems to be quite ummmm self-centred. I realise my parents are strangers to them ...but still they are MY parents and I've been a member of their family now for 30 years so it was pretty poor on their part.

anyway I've had my rant now ... obviously I still have some "issues" about all that ... breathe in ... and reach to drawer and find chocolate ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh all better now ;)
 
el'coopo said:
Oh SG, that is so sad. Glad you were able to still go through with most of your wedding, as planned. You guys really did the best you could in a difficult situation. Do you think you'll plan one for one of your wedding anniversaries? Cos to me the reception was to celebrate my marriage with friends & family & it's so sad you missed out on that x
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It was a difficult decision. And bringing in what @crimmy said, I'm not sure if it was the right decision but it did work best for us. Leading up to the wedding my mother was quite unsupportive of the whole thing and made it very difficult for us. It wasn't your typical disagreeing it was explosive at times. I'm not sure how to explain this tbh, but it wasn't a healthy relationship between my mother and I, on her part anyways. There was always this element of control and manipulating to have her way and me meeting someone became the ultimate act of betrayal she felt I think. She completely lost control of her own control and things were just too much, and I think this is what made our decision to just be married in the end and not put up with the drama. I don't want to go through it all and now things are so great I just don't want to think of it all again, but there were a few times that my then fiancé would need to call an intervention on her with my uncles because she became violent towards me and I am ashamed to say I just took it. It was fucked to say the least. My husbands side never knew, they did learn afterwards when she created scenes throughout our marriage but it's been a lot better now.

The good news we did get to celebrate our wedding day, well years later and it was more a shared experience. I baptised my two sons together and my husband surprised me with our first dance we never got to have. He really is the sweetest man alive. To this day he has never shown any disrespect to my mum, never raised his voice to her for all her antics (and that included ill wishings to his mum while she was going through cancer), even though I would never have blamed him if he did. I guess he could separate the woman from her mental illness. I am not so easy to be able to separate those two, because I guess I lived a lot of her craziness. But we all have lived through tough times at one point or another and life is great for me. So I don't want to dwell on then. Life has beautiful moments and it's those moments worth thinking of.
 
jessy_girl said:
Yes sorry @Sweetgeek i didn't mean to gloss past your post. I recall you saying previously that you didn't have a reception but I didn't realise why - what an emotional time for everyone involved. It's so hard to know what's right or wrong in any situation but it sounds like you both did what was right for you. I like the idea of an anniversary party of similar though, but that's only if you feel there might be something missing. It kind if highlights a bit that it's just one day out of your life and everything that follows is much more important since you obviously have a happy marriage and stable life irrespective to a reception.
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Oh please! I didn't want my post to attract sympathy just wanted to point out that some weddings are so ott and out of price range that it only becomes about that and then the couple don't even last. But then some weddings have nothing to it and relationships are strong. Not saying that you can't have it all, but the point of a wedding should be to celebrate something more than how much money you can spend. That's all. I feel I need to state please no more sorry's about not having a wedding. Honestly it's fine. I would take that over marrying some moron any day lol
 
Sweetgeek said:
It was a difficult decision. And bringing in what @crimmy said, I'm not sure if it was the right decision but it did work best for us. Leading up to the wedding my mother was quite unsupportive of the whole thing and made it very difficult for us. It wasn't your typical disagreeing it was explosive at times. I'm not sure how to explain this tbh, but it wasn't a healthy relationship between my mother and I, on her part anyways. There was always this element of control and manipulating to have her way and me meeting someone became the ultimate act of betrayal she felt I think. She completely lost control of her own control and things were just too much, and I think this is what made our decision to just be married in the end and not put up with the drama. I don't want to go through it all and now things are so great I just don't want to think of it all again, but there were a few times that my then fiancé would need to call an intervention on her with my uncles because she became violent towards me and I am ashamed to say I just took it. It was fucked to say the least. My husbands side never knew, they did learn afterwards when she created scenes throughout our marriage but it's been a lot better now.

The good news we did get to celebrate our wedding day, well years later and it was more a shared experience. I baptised my two sons together and my husband surprised me with our first dance we never got to have. He really is the sweetest man alive. To this day he has never shown any disrespect to my mum, never raised his voice to her for all her antics (and that included ill wishings to his mum while she was going through cancer), even though I would never have blamed him if he did. I guess he could separate the woman from her mental illness. I am not so easy to be able to separate those two, because I guess I lived a lot of her craziness. But we all have lived through tough times at one point or another and life is great for me. So I don't want to dwell on then. Life has beautiful moments and it's those moments worth thinking of.
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WOW - sounds like you married a wonderful guy Sweetgeek - and that first dance - WOW what a beautiful memory.
He also sounds such a strong support for you - and yet able to lift himself up and away from the protectiveness he feels for you and still find it in himself to be reasonable towards your mother. What a great guy.
still - he's very lucky he found YOU :) <biased opinion> (((big hug))) I know how just writing this to us will have brought it to the surface ... so ((((((great big squeeeezy ginormous hug)))))[DOUBLEPOST=1441781202][/DOUBLEPOST]
Sweetgeek said:
Oh please! I didn't want my post to attract sympathy just wanted to point out that some weddings are so ott and out of price range that it only becomes about that and then the couple don't even last. But then some weddings have nothing to it and relationships are strong. Not saying that you can't have it all, but the point of a wedding should be to celebrate something more than how much money you can spend. That's all. I feel I need to state please no more sorry's about not having a wedding. Honestly it's fine. I would take that over marrying some moron any day lol
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AMEN to that one! lol
 
crimmy said:
WOW - sounds like you married a wonderful guy Sweetgeek - and that first dance - WOW what a beautiful memory.
He also sounds such a strong support for you - and yet able to lift himself up and away from the protectiveness he feels for you and still find it in himself to be reasonable towards your mother. What a great guy.
still - he's very lucky he found YOU :) <biased opinion> (((big hug))) I know how just writing this to us will have brought it to the surface ... so ((((((great big squeeeezy ginormous hug)))))[DOUBLEPOST=1441781202][/DOUBLEPOST]
AMEN to that one! lol
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You have no idea crimmy! And he is majorly hot too! But I'll be umm behaved about that haha. We make a good team I think.
 
crimmy said:
I think everyone had to travel to the Hunter Valley ... and they were having honeymoon there ... so it worked for THEM and too bad about everyone else ... all I know is I found it weird, was critical but my son was absolutely fine with it ... go figure!

last year a relative had her wedding coming up and asked me to do a reading .. I was honoured to be asked ... just 2 weeks prior to the wedding my dad died ... and obviously I was a bit of a mess emotionally ... I travelled across to NZ for Dad's funeral ... then stayed with mum for a week before coming home for a few days back at work then off to the wedding about 4 hours away in country area ... before leaving NZ I had spoken with bride's mother and said "I don't think I'll be able to do it - I WANT to do it ... but right now I don't believe I CAN" and she said she understood and they'd ask another close relative to do it ... anyway wedding day arrives, we arrive in church. I look at order of service and my name is there to do the reading ... I go to mother of the bride and quietly ask "is Sally going to do the reading today?" and got snapped at - No you are - the order of service was already printed so you have to do it. I think I just blinked a couple of times, turned around and walked back to my seat. I was sooooooooooooo hurt by that. I did the reading ... broke into tears in the middle of it ... people ohhhhed and ahhhhhed because of course the focus being on the wedding they thought I was getting emotional about the lovely couple whereas I was just overwhelmed with grief for my Dad. I got no apology for the snapping ... no apology for the lack of consideration ... and my father's death seemed to be an absolute non-issue to everyone which hurt me even more. good grief ... even writing about it now I'm tearing up. It was just the whole stress of the day that contributed to mother of the bride being so thoughtless towards me ... but even having another male relative call me when Dad died and say well we won't mention it when I see you at the wedding because we don't want to spoil the day. Ummm ... WHAT? This is my 'family' here in the land of OZ ... my own family in NZ would never ever dream of being this way .. but family here seems to be quite ummmm self-centred. I realise my parents are strangers to them ...but still they are MY parents and I've been a member of their family now for 30 years so it was pretty poor on their part.

anyway I've had my rant now ... obviously I still have some "issues" about all that ... breathe in ... and reach to drawer and find chocolate ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh all better now ;)
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Wow, that's awful. I'm so sorry you went through that. Despite being a happy occasion about celebrating love weddings just bring out the absolute worst in some people I find. It doesn't help when they are already a bit selfish either I imagine.
 
jessy_girl said:
I agree with all of this. if parents want to and are willing to pay for weddings then that's fine, it shouldn't always be assumed though nor should this become an excessive thing. Planning a wedding is stressful, it's impossible to please everyone and somehow the bride and groom often end up overlooking their own wants and needs which is ridiculous really. I would so not feel ok about my parents dropping a crapload of cash on a party even if they were ok with it. But a big weddings the stuff of nightmares for me.

I can't believe that Hunter Valley thing! Is that where the couple lived at least? Non-local weddings can really start adding up for guests, I think it's kind of reasonable in those cases to be incentivised by a meal or bar tab or similar.

I also totally hate being a plus one to random weddings, people seem to love that but it's not for me. I went to a wedding OCD and my partner was in the wedding party and I was seated at a table with total strangers, I barely even knew the bride and groom. It was nice but uhh yeah so awkward and boring considering I am pretty antisocial.

Oh and nah that's cool, I didn't think you were aiming that at me, you just made me wonder that about myself.
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I never would have considered you to be antisocial. Just because you seem to be very friendly and social on here. Maybe it is a case of it being easier behind a screen?

14
 
crimmy said:
I think everyone had to travel to the Hunter Valley ... and they were having honeymoon there ... so it worked for THEM and too bad about everyone else ... all I know is I found it weird, was critical but my son was absolutely fine with it ... go figure!

last year a relative had her wedding coming up and asked me to do a reading .. I was honoured to be asked ... just 2 weeks prior to the wedding my dad died ... and obviously I was a bit of a mess emotionally ... I travelled across to NZ for Dad's funeral ... then stayed with mum for a week before coming home for a few days back at work then off to the wedding about 4 hours away in country area ... before leaving NZ I had spoken with bride's mother and said "I don't think I'll be able to do it - I WANT to do it ... but right now I don't believe I CAN" and she said she understood and they'd ask another close relative to do it ... anyway wedding day arrives, we arrive in church. I look at order of service and my name is there to do the reading ... I go to mother of the bride and quietly ask "is Sally going to do the reading today?" and got snapped at - No you are - the order of service was already printed so you have to do it. I think I just blinked a couple of times, turned around and walked back to my seat. I was sooooooooooooo hurt by that. I did the reading ... broke into tears in the middle of it ... people ohhhhed and ahhhhhed because of course the focus being on the wedding they thought I was getting emotional about the lovely couple whereas I was just overwhelmed with grief for my Dad. I got no apology for the snapping ... no apology for the lack of consideration ... and my father's death seemed to be an absolute non-issue to everyone which hurt me even more. good grief ... even writing about it now I'm tearing up. It was just the whole stress of the day that contributed to mother of the bride being so thoughtless towards me ... but even having another male relative call me when Dad died and say well we won't mention it when I see you at the wedding because we don't want to spoil the day. Ummm ... WHAT? This is my 'family' here in the land of OZ ... my own family in NZ would never ever dream of being this way .. but family here seems to be quite ummmm self-centred. I realise my parents are strangers to them ...but still they are MY parents and I've been a member of their family now for 30 years so it was pretty poor on their part.

anyway I've had my rant now ... obviously I still have some "issues" about all that ... breathe in ... and reach to drawer and find chocolate ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh all better now ;)
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I'm so sorry! Some people really show themselves at the worst of times and really show how truly awful they can be.

You showed strength even when you were in pain. That says more about the goodness you have within you x
 
Sweetgeek said:
It was a difficult decision. And bringing in what @crimmy said, I'm not sure if it was the right decision but it did work best for us. Leading up to the wedding my mother was quite unsupportive of the whole thing and made it very difficult for us. It wasn't your typical disagreeing it was explosive at times. I'm not sure how to explain this tbh, but it wasn't a healthy relationship between my mother and I, on her part anyways. There was always this element of control and manipulating to have her way and me meeting someone became the ultimate act of betrayal she felt I think. She completely lost control of her own control and things were just too much, and I think this is what made our decision to just be married in the end and not put up with the drama. I don't want to go through it all and now things are so great I just don't want to think of it all again, but there were a few times that my then fiancé would need to call an intervention on her with my uncles because she became violent towards me and I am ashamed to say I just took it. It was fucked to say the least. My husbands side never knew, they did learn afterwards when she created scenes throughout our marriage but it's been a lot better now.

The good news we did get to celebrate our wedding day, well years later and it was more a shared experience. I baptised my two sons together and my husband surprised me with our first dance we never got to have. He really is the sweetest man alive. To this day he has never shown any disrespect to my mum, never raised his voice to her for all her antics (and that included ill wishings to his mum while she was going through cancer), even though I would never have blamed him if he did. I guess he could separate the woman from her mental illness. I am not so easy to be able to separate those two, because I guess I lived a lot of her craziness. But we all have lived through tough times at one point or another and life is great for me. So I don't want to dwell on then. Life has beautiful moments and it's those moments worth thinking of.
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At the end of the day, the wedding is between you and him, I don't blame people for running of and eloping. You see all these celeb weddings with their fancy receptions that divorce 2 months later
 
reepbot said:
I never would have considered you to be antisocial. Just because you seem to be very friendly and social on here. Maybe it is a case of it being easier behind a screen?

14
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Well maybe antisocial is too strong a word, I have a good friendship group and social life and the like, I'm just not that interested in small talk with strangers if it's at all avoidable. Some people are so good at it while I suck. I have a bad feeling I just talk about myself because I never really ask many questions as I feel like I'm interrogating this poor stranger. And trust me I am not an interesting conversation topic.
 
delcan said:
At the end of the day, the wedding is between you and him, I don't blame people for running of and eloping. You see all these celeb weddings with their fancy receptions that divorce 2 months later
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That is very true :)

I think some of these marriages are just for convenience or a business transaction. Sounds terrible but I honestly believe it.
 
jessy_girl said:
Well maybe antisocial is too strong a word, I have a good friendship group and social life and the like, I'm just not that interested in small talk with strangers if it's at all avoidable. Some people are so good at it while I suck. I have a bad feeling I just talk about myself because I never really ask many questions as I feel like I'm interrogating this poor stranger. And trust me I am not an interesting conversation topic.
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Yeah, small talk sucks. Must be nerve wracking and awful having friends?

14
 
Consuela said:
Weddings, or gatherings of any sort, that don't involve food is such a foreign concept for me. The food's normally the main event!





Well in that case the only thing you really needed was the wedding night.

;)
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The food's normally the main event!
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That says it all really. :p

Why a couple getting married would want randoms (more or less) on their special day who are just there for a free feed (assuming they don't bring any gifts) is beyond me.
 
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