BBUK: Launch Night Report

WARNING: SPOILERS!!!!

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SPOILERS RELATED TO THE LAUNCH OF BIG BROTHER UK… IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW, DON’T READ ON!!!

OK, IF YOU’VE GOT THIS FAR, YOU’VE ONLY GOT YOURSELF TO BLAME… THE SPOILERS START NOW!!!

“Brutal landlord seeks 16 housemates to entertain us for an entire summer. Rule breakers need not apply” - Davina’s words as we’re just minutes away from the launch. Big Brother is coming back with a vengeance.

9pm arrives, it’s series nine and Big Brother is back, and the waiting is over - what will be Davina’s opening line?

“D’you know what? Britain’s not got Talent!”

Davina welcomes us back to the show and gives us a brief look at those who didn’t make it, plus the house being “completely” rebuilt - and informs us the theme this year is “Zero Tolerance”, before giving us a look around the house - you can take a look at pics from the house here.

Davina begins her tour in the Jail - and revealed that if that doesn’t deter rule breakers, the solitary confinement cell might. Smoking will only be permitted in the Human Ash Tray - it’s jail for anyone smoking outside it. She goes on to give us a look at the luxury bedroom, rolling in the shagpile and taking us into the walk in wardrobe. Davina then moves inside, reminding us how uncomfortable the beds are in the locker room before revealing the tokens - if housemates want luxuries such as hot water, they’ll need to earn tokens.

On to the diary room, which Davina claims not to have seen as she doesn’t read the papers (yeah, right) before she goes up the stairs in the atrium and rejoins the crowd outside. With the guided tour complete, it’s time to fill up the house with this years housemates, with a record 16 moving in on opening night.

And we begin with a couple - Mario, 42 and Lisa, 40, have been together for a couple of years and both work in sales. Mario describes himself as an Italian Stallion, while Lisa would like to be reincarnated as Simon Cowell.

In they go, quickly followed by political student Luke - who describes himself as a pensioner trapped in a 20 year old body, and probably rubbish in bed, with Stephanie, a 19 year old who wants to become Big Brother’s most famous contestant following them.

And then it’s time for BBUK’s first ever secret relationship twist. Big Brother calls all four of them to the diary room and asked Mario and Lisa about their relationship, and then informs their romance is over. Mario is now dating Stephanie, who’s 23 years younger than him. If the four convince the other housemates that Mario and Stephanie are in a relationship, and that Mario and Lisa aren’t, they will be immune from eviction next week, with all the other housemates up. If they fail, they are up for eviction.

The fifth housemate in is Rachel, a 24-year old trainee teacher from Wales. Mario is quick to brand Stephanie as his girlfriend - Rachel doesn’t seem to care, and neither does Dale, the 21 year old who is rates himself as physically and mentally strong.

Next in is Sylvia, a 21-year old originally from Sierra Leone, but moved to the UK during the civil war. If she could create a law, it would be that night clubs never close. She’s followed by Dennis, a 23 year old dance student from Edinburgh. For those who’ve been following BBUK a couple of years, think “Son of Shahbaz”.

And so far, Mario is telling everyone Stephanies his girlfriend and they’re the first ever couple in the house - and nobody seems to care. Mario is now ten years younger though, and has been dating Stephanie for eight months.

After the break and the ninth housemate is Michael. He’s blind, but tells us he’s not playing the blind card, before discussing his blindness for the next few minutes. He uses a cane and is guided into the house by an assistant.

The tenth housemate is Muslim Alexandra, a 23-year old accounts executive who got pregnant at 15. She talks about herself as other people are boring, and is the most heavily booed housemate so far.

24-year old Rex is next, a chef who got into his dad’s trade after getting thrown out of nine schools. He likes his bling and has a £13,000 watch (around $25-30,000) which he can’t take in the house. Claims his job makes him a “professional bully”, but he’s “secret shy”.

Rex is followed by Mohammed, a 23-year old toy demonstrator who having been bought up in Somalia had to keep leaving countries due to civil war, eventually ending up in the UK. He’s a Muslim - who drinks, eats pork and has sex - but not in front of his mother!

Rebecca is a 21 year-old nursery nurse who doesn’t shut up. If there’s one thing she could change about Big Brother, she would be in it. And now she is, followed by albino housemate Darnell, a 26 year old who claims he’s too black to be white, and too white to be black. He has never watched Big Brother.

Catholic mother Jennifer is 22 who has strong views on abortion and immigration. The biggest lie she’s ever told is that she had a dolphin in the back garden. She’s housemate number 15 and a hit with the crowd, but the most popular housemate of the night goes to number 16. Kathreya is a 30-year old Thai Massage Therapist from Bangkok who is just 5ft tall. She loves cookies, and would like her gravestone made of cookies so her family can eat them.

And that is that - well, almost.

Remember Mario and Stephanie, our fake couple. Well, on Sunday Big Brother has a special event planned for them - their wedding. And they’re getting married for real, or so they will think.

BB9 HMs (L-R): Lisa, Mario, Sylvia, Luke, Rebecca, Alexandra, Rex, Stephanie, Darnell, Dennis, Rachel, Kathreya, Michael, Jennifer, Mohammed, Dale

So BBUK is back and BBBA’s dedicated followers will be talking all about it in the International Forum - discuss the launch night here. For more BBUK news and rumours, check out BBSPY, while the official site is at channel4.com.

And thanks to Matt at bbspy.co.uk for his live updates on tonight’s launch - him keeping a note of things meant that I didn’t have too and could watch it in peace! Thank you!