Discussion in 'Flicks, Tracks and Paperbacks' started by Inigo Montoya, Dec 5, 2014.
The Princess Bride 2: Bride Harder
The sun arose on Inigo's little cottage as he awoke for another day of potato farming. Inigo had become a potato farmer after giving up his trade in the revenge business.
"Oh I do so love farming. It is so much easier than that revenge business," Said Inigo to himself as he went about his daily potato business.
Inigo was just about to do some fancy potato farming when suddenly a ghost appeared right before him! The ghost of Donald Trump!
To be continued.....
Inigo staggered back in wide eyed appreciation of this late and lamented great American President. Mr Trump stood before this humble potato farmer replenished in a fancy black and white tuxedo with a halo on top of his head.
"Mr President! What a wonderful surprise. But I thought you were dead?"
"Ahh, it is pleasing that you recognize me Inigo. And yes you are quite right, I am dead. But I come to you from beyond the grave to seek your help," Said Donald Trump.
"Why do you want my help, Sir? I am just a humble potato farmer."
"Baloney! I know that in your heart of hearts you belong in the revenge business. This so called potato farming has not made you happy. I can feel your sadness."
"You know me so well. I still don't understand what I can do to help."
"I need you to avenge my death."
"How? I mean weren't you killed by a fallen rock after saving those orphaned kids from those daleks?"
"Yes I was. But that rock did not fall down by itself. Before I died I caught a glimpse of my arch enemy Tina Arena pushing that rock towards me."
"What? Tina Arena?"
"To the world she may seem like a talented singer, but to us in power she is actually a rogue Soviet agent intent on maximum destruction. Only you can stop her, Inigo."
"I'm not sure that I can. It has just been too long."
"I have faith in you. Goodbye, Inigo. Avenge me, for the future of humanity is in your hands."
And with that, Donald Trump faded away.
To be continued......
Inigo, staggering backwards after this religious experience, started to venture towards his home. Some may have thought of Inigo as just a simple potato farmer. Someone who wasn't aware of politics. But Inigo was quite aware. He had picked up a few things in the revenge business. Made notes about how things worked. He had heard of Trump, his great deeds in making America great again. Read about him in books, heard about him through songs, and watched him during his many magnificent speeches. Inigo could still remember the first time that he heard Trump speak. It was during an election campaign. Inigo was busy peeling potatoes for the annual potato festival. Small potatoes, big potatoes, potatoes that looked like Harry Truman. Slaving away over a big log fire. Sweat pouring from his brows, bleeding from his fingers, and despairing from his soul. Having the news on whilst he was doing his work. During the news they had a soundbite of Donald Trump, speaking about making America great again. From the moment that Inigo laid his eyes and ears on Trump he knew that he was seeing a wonderful man. A life changing leader who wanted to do some good for his people. And that inspired Inigo. It made him believe in something. And as Trump won the Presidency Inigo became a bigger and bigger supporter of him. Trump re-payed the faith of Inigo by fufilling his promise to make America great again. Sure Trump had his detractors like all great leaders. But that didn't worry Inigo. He knew in his heart that Trump had done great things for America. Although Inigo was not American, he still appreciated the Presidency of Trump and how the great man strove to improve the lives of his citizens. It was a world wide tragedy the day that Donald Trump died because of that falling rock. Although Inigo had lost many friends over the years, wonderful friends who he had owed his life to, nothing quite upset him like the news of Donald Trump's death. That to him was the worst news possible. Inigo wore black for three weeks straight after the tragic news. He tried to move on, just doing more of his potato farming. But life seemed pointless without the guidance of Trump. So to see the ghost of Trump was extra special. To know that Trump had heard of him! That was something that he could take to his grave. And to know that Trump wanted him to avenge his death was one of the greatest compliments that Inigo had ever recieved in his life.
But how was he going to defeat Tina Arena......?
To be continued.
Inigo went inside his home. A modest living space, it had a bed made of straw and a stove in which he could cook his potatoes. A small tv sat in the corner. Cracked and prone to blowing sparks and smoke from time to time. He decided to lie down on his bed, to reflect on how he was going to defeat Tina Arena. Glancing over at the signed picture of Donald Trump on his bedside table, Inigo tried to formulate a plan on how to deal with her. But there was just one problem. One small tiny little problem that stood in the way.
He didn't know much about her.
Sure he knew that she was a singer. He had never taken an interest in any of her songs, but Tina was famous enough for Inigo to know who she was. Inigo wasn't that fond of music. To him it served a distraction for the more important things in life such as revenge killings and potato farming. But if he had to defeat Tina and avenge his heroes death he had to find more about Tina. And the only way to do that was to get out of his house and go to wherever she was living at the moment.
To be continued.
So Inigo set out to find Tina Arena. Leaving his potato farm in the very capable hands of Luke Skywalker. Inigo had become fast friends with Luke, a former Jedi turned hotshot record producer, and they bonded over their love of juggling and Christopher Walken movies.
"Goodbye, friend," Said Luke. scrubbing a potato.
"Goodbye, Luke," Said Inigo.
Inigo then waved goodbye to Luke and went on his way to avenge the death of his hero Donald Trump. Walking for miles and his legs so tired, he decided to sit down under a rather large tree. He was just about to sit down when he noticed Hercule Poirot coming towards him with a light saber.
To be continued.
Hercule was coming closer and closer. Swishing his green light sabre around like it was some sort of stick. Not a stick off the ground, but a stick from a tree in some sort of park. The kind that isn't very well kept after due to council budget cuts.
"Hello, Inigo," Said Hercule with a devious smile, a smile so devious, a smile so sneering that it could have made the whole world cower in fear.
"Why hello, Hercule. Planning on doing something bad?"
"Why no, I'm just here to take out the trash."
Hercule then lunged forward with his light saber. Eyes full of fury. Red hot fury. Not the kind of fury you would get if you were stuck in traffic and you wanted to get home so you could watch the latest potato peeling contests, nor was it the kind of fury you would get if you found that one of your potatoes was not big enough for the upcoming potato fair. No, this fury by Hercule went deeper than that, this was a fury that Inigo had not seen for quite some time.
So Inigo dodged out of his way, thanking his lucky stars that he still had super sharp reflexes.
But he didn't have a light saber.
And Hercule Poirot was coming right for him again.....
To be continued.
But Inigo was too quick for Hercule. Quick as a flash he picked out a telephone from his bag and swung it at Hercule. In an instant Poirot turned to confetti. Little bits of red and green confetti. Confetti that swept up in the air and to the nearby rivers and forests. Inigo, picked up one of the pieces of confetti.
"I don't remember Hercule being made of confetti, but then again i'm not a doctor," thought Inigo to himself as he stroked his chin majestically like some sort of eagle that has won a contest involving potatoes. Inigo often talked to himself, or to his potatoes. He didn't bring any potatoes with him as his bag was full of stuff to help him him avenge the death of his hero Donald Trump.
Inigo, re-energized after the battle with Hercule continued on his epic quest. He thought more about his battle with Hercule. Especially the part about how Hercule seemed to be made of confetti. It did not make sense to him that a human would be made out of confetti. It vexed and confused him. Made him furrow his brows and stamp his foot like if he would if he had just lost a potato cooking contest.
But he had no time for frustrations because he could see up ahead of him a thousand gummi bears......
To be continued.
"Oh my a thousand gummi bears," said Inigo to himself as he started rummaging around his bag to find something to defeat those terrible creatures, "How ever will I defeat them? Me, a humble person who is a potato farmer and has now gone back in the revenge business to avenge the death of one Donald Trump. Oh I really am not sure how I can ever defeat them. It seems as though I am doomed."
But before Inigo could despair, before Inigo would be overrun by a thosand gummi bears, he found some toothpaste in his magic bag.
"Oh now I know what I shall do. I am ready to do battle."
And soo he marched forward to the bears....
To be continued.
Onwards Inigo marched towards the gummi bears, marching onwards into battle, marching onwards to his destiny, carrying the toothpaste. The gummi bears were red, blue, green, and yellow in color. All with expressions of pure fury in their eyes. All chanting a rather strange tune, one that Inigo did not know, and did not care to know even if it was part of a quiz to win a potato in a potato contest.
"Why do they chant such silly things? Oh well, at least I won't have to listen to them any longer once I defeat them all with my toothpaste," Thought Inigo to himself as he drew ever nearer to the gummi bears.
Finally he came face to face with the gummi bears. All of them. With a flourish of his hands Inigo opened the toothpaste and sprayed it towards them, thankful that he had remembered to turn his toothpaste into a spraying machine. The gummi bears turned to confetti as soon as Inigo put the toothpaste on them. They were all defeated, Inigo was victorious.
But he still was yet to avenge Donald Trump...
To be continued.
Yes, avenging the death of his hero Donald Trump was still on Inigo's mind as he continued on his journey to try and find Tina Arena. This so called harmless Australian singer who was actually just a spy and an assassin. But where was she? Inigo had no idea. He had been walking for hours. Through town after town. Crossing rivers, swiping away cobwebs, and eating potatoes. Inigo often ate potatoes because they gave him strength. Strength to move forward into his mission, strength to keep on going even through his darkest days, strength to push him when he could go no longer.
Inigo was walking through a town of paperclips, when he saw a library up ahead. A grey building about four stories high, with paperclips going in and out of it.
"Hmmm, maybe this library will give me a clue where Tina Arena is. I can't go on wandering around aimlessly. I have to take some action," Thought Inigo to himself as he ventured towards the library.
But there was one problem. He didn't have a library card.....
To be continued.
Separate names with a comma.